My step father passed away about 10 years ago, and in my dream I was left with the question if he was really deceased. The reason was because I had received a letter from him, although in the dream I had actually gotten the letter years ago. At the time that I had received the letter, I was in high school (while the sequencing of this is off because he died after I had finished graduate school). Anyway, when I received the letter, I didn't care or want or want to pay any attention to it. However, I did care enough to keep it. So, in my dream my mom came across the letter because she was going through all the things in her home in preparation for moving.
As it was an unusual find, my mom gave the letter to me. My reaction was something like, "oh, yeah, I had forgotten about it... let's have a look at it and see if it has something that will be meaningful for me now." The letter was vague, it seemed like it was trying to say - "I had to get away and live a completely different life. There are certain people who I have sent letters to since my passing. You've received one letter, another family member has received one letter and then "Miscellaneous" has received about 20 letters." I had no idea who this Miscellaneous was but I was interested to find who it was to have access to those letters that my step father was speaking about. It looked like something was written on the letter but had been erased. If I held the paper a certain way, I could make out that he wrote that he was also concerned about being financially able to meet our family's obligations.
My mom seemed to be ok with learning that Dana did this. While it seemed to be news to her, she also didn't seem to want to know much more about it. She wasn't particularly interested in finding Miscellaneous.
Also, because the letter was written so long ago we also kind of thought that he would be actually dead now anyway, though we just weren't certain about it.
Now that I'm awake, and playing back in my mind's eye what happened in the dream, this dream seems to be quite meaningful. It wakes-up in me that I didn't appreciate Dana when he was actively in my life. I really could have had a better time with him, had I not been so angry. The financial piece is interesting because one of the reasons I told myself I was ok with Mom and Dana getting married was because we wouldn't be so financially strapped anymore. You see, we didn't have much money... perhaps we were even poor. While my mom and dad (and maybe even grandparents) made it so that we were never without something we needed, we didn't have extras or some of the comforts of being middle class. Having Dana come into our household meant less "no's" from my mom and finally to have some ice cream after dinner. That I could get behind as a 7th grader.
I feel sad now that I couldn't have made more of the situation. While Dana certainly had his faults, that as I got older I couldn't get beyond seeing, there were many endearing qualities about him as well. He had a good sense of humor, he cared deeply for my mom, he was somewhat of a "gentle-giant", he had a lot to say about a lot of things, and probably more importantly - there were times when I did pick up on how much he cared about me. I hated that. I wanted to hate him. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to hate me so much that my mom would have to choose me over him. Instead, because my behavior was so ugly, and because my family wasn't so good at communicating - my mom didn't seem to give me the reassurance that I wanted and needed at the time - thus feeding more into my anger.
So, it becomes a softening of my heart today to come back to these thoughts and memories. I find that I am missing him and wish that I could spend time with him now. I have hope that we could have fun together now and enjoy each other's company. It comes somewhat of a surprise to me that I actually hold loving thoughts of Dana. A number of years ago, I worked with a therapist around my anger with Dana and I was able to successfully get over it. That lead to my feeling not angry but ambivalent towards him. Yet, this dream has cracked the nut to my lovingness towards him.
It's interesting to see how my feelings towards Dana have changed over time. My guess is that I wouldn't have been able to move beyond the anger if he was still alive. And, that, is certainly something to consider. Who am I harboring difficult feelings towards and not working on now? (It's somehow easier to process feelings towards someone who's dead.) If I've had so many feelings around my step-father - what have I not worked on in relationship to my parents?
As for the dream, I can make a lot of connections to what meanings and symbols are going on. But, that seems a bit excessive. The dream essentially was a helpful seed to get me thinking / processing these many thoughts and feelings. And, that is enough.
As it was an unusual find, my mom gave the letter to me. My reaction was something like, "oh, yeah, I had forgotten about it... let's have a look at it and see if it has something that will be meaningful for me now." The letter was vague, it seemed like it was trying to say - "I had to get away and live a completely different life. There are certain people who I have sent letters to since my passing. You've received one letter, another family member has received one letter and then "Miscellaneous" has received about 20 letters." I had no idea who this Miscellaneous was but I was interested to find who it was to have access to those letters that my step father was speaking about. It looked like something was written on the letter but had been erased. If I held the paper a certain way, I could make out that he wrote that he was also concerned about being financially able to meet our family's obligations.
My mom seemed to be ok with learning that Dana did this. While it seemed to be news to her, she also didn't seem to want to know much more about it. She wasn't particularly interested in finding Miscellaneous.
Also, because the letter was written so long ago we also kind of thought that he would be actually dead now anyway, though we just weren't certain about it.
Now that I'm awake, and playing back in my mind's eye what happened in the dream, this dream seems to be quite meaningful. It wakes-up in me that I didn't appreciate Dana when he was actively in my life. I really could have had a better time with him, had I not been so angry. The financial piece is interesting because one of the reasons I told myself I was ok with Mom and Dana getting married was because we wouldn't be so financially strapped anymore. You see, we didn't have much money... perhaps we were even poor. While my mom and dad (and maybe even grandparents) made it so that we were never without something we needed, we didn't have extras or some of the comforts of being middle class. Having Dana come into our household meant less "no's" from my mom and finally to have some ice cream after dinner. That I could get behind as a 7th grader.
I feel sad now that I couldn't have made more of the situation. While Dana certainly had his faults, that as I got older I couldn't get beyond seeing, there were many endearing qualities about him as well. He had a good sense of humor, he cared deeply for my mom, he was somewhat of a "gentle-giant", he had a lot to say about a lot of things, and probably more importantly - there were times when I did pick up on how much he cared about me. I hated that. I wanted to hate him. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to hate me so much that my mom would have to choose me over him. Instead, because my behavior was so ugly, and because my family wasn't so good at communicating - my mom didn't seem to give me the reassurance that I wanted and needed at the time - thus feeding more into my anger.
So, it becomes a softening of my heart today to come back to these thoughts and memories. I find that I am missing him and wish that I could spend time with him now. I have hope that we could have fun together now and enjoy each other's company. It comes somewhat of a surprise to me that I actually hold loving thoughts of Dana. A number of years ago, I worked with a therapist around my anger with Dana and I was able to successfully get over it. That lead to my feeling not angry but ambivalent towards him. Yet, this dream has cracked the nut to my lovingness towards him.
It's interesting to see how my feelings towards Dana have changed over time. My guess is that I wouldn't have been able to move beyond the anger if he was still alive. And, that, is certainly something to consider. Who am I harboring difficult feelings towards and not working on now? (It's somehow easier to process feelings towards someone who's dead.) If I've had so many feelings around my step-father - what have I not worked on in relationship to my parents?
As for the dream, I can make a lot of connections to what meanings and symbols are going on. But, that seems a bit excessive. The dream essentially was a helpful seed to get me thinking / processing these many thoughts and feelings. And, that is enough.
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