Am I done yet?

So, I made the point to sit this evening.  4 minutes go by, and it feels like MUCH longer.  I try again.  I work to keep my consciousness on the sounds surrounding me.  3 more minutes go by.  There were a couple flickers of being present, but I was completely done after trying for 10 minutes today.

I feel a bit like a looser for not pushing myself harder or being more "successful."  But, I need to remind myself that it is all ok and part of the process.  So, I will welcome these challenges, and just start again.

Today's closing feelings.  Tired.  (Woke at 5:15 with a cat ... arch... scratching at the door and then soon after baby waking for the day.)

Monkey mind

I've  got what they call "monkey mind."  Out of the 15 minutes or so I sat for meditation, my guess is that 5 min or less of that was me not thinking about something.  Most of it was work things or family things.  Yet, there was even a moment where I began a train of thought was for some character I just made up in my head.  Whoa!  What the?  Thankfully, I was able to come back, but it was surprising to see how off course I had gone.

I think my lesson learned today is that regular practice is better.  I haven't sat since last Tuesday or Wednesday due to my life just taking over.  This will be another week where I will try again.

Feelings I am closing with today: surprise and disjointedness.

I could've spent more time practicing, but felt like another day will prove to be more fruitful.

I am back

So, I set out a goal of meditating 3 times this week.  I made head way on my goal on Sunday and today.  (Yea!)  It was tough getting it in yesterday as we went to a friend's home for a birthday party from 6-9:30 or so, leading to a late night for our household.  But, I suppose it is understandable how that happened.

It is truly amazing how many things that come to mind during meditation.  Work stuff, feelings about various conversations I've recently had, hopes, plans, etc, etc, etc.  Today, I tried to use one of the pre-recorded meditations that came with the Sharon Salzburg book, but I found it to be too distracting.  I  found it more helpful to use the tactic of being more of a listening observer to my environment.  Recognizing the sounds that come up (and then letting them go) seems easier for me to manage than trying to focus on my breath or listening to guidance from someone else.  At least today that was my experience.

So, it is coming to the end of my day.  Feelings I have: satisfied, relatively balanced, accomplished, hopeful.

Meditation

For as long as I can remember, in my adult life I've wanted to have a regular meditation practice.  Yet, it is just something that I have not been able to include in my daily life.  There are occasional times where I meditate, but I haven't gotten consistent with it.

About a month ago I purchased a book by Sharon Salzberg (at BJ's no less... odd place for it; but it works). The premise of the book is to help one begin a regular practice.  It is a four week program with different meditations to do each week.  The first week she encourages you to meditate three times during the week for 20 minutes.  I completed my first meditation this afternoon (thanks to Shawn for taking Juniper to the park so that I could have some quite time).

I found it hard to begin.  I had so many other thoughts of what I could be doing with my time.  I like to DO things, and just sitting in meditation in my mind is NOT DOING.  So, it is very hard just to begin.  But, Sharon says that - that itself is practice - beginning again and again.  And again.  So, it was a real success that I actually did it.  Whee!

Sharon also suggests starting a journal of your practice... and commenting at the end of the day how the day felt... then coming back each week to see how the week was in total.  Then, consider if the meditation had any impact.  I think that it will... as I have experienced it having a positive impact in my life before.

My plan for the week is to meditate in the evenings after dinner.  I should be able to squeeze in 20 minutes then... (and perhaps it is too much change in my life but I do hope to begin doing some exercise in the morning before Juni wakes up ... we'll see about that).

All this change is coming from my starting to realize that I actually have to DO something in order to live the life I want to live.  The life that just presents itself to me is a good one, but I think  that I could make it even better if I am more thoughtful about what I choose to do with my time.  For example, there are people in my life that I would like to spend more time with... so I should actually call them and arrange a time to get together, you know?

I am assuming that once I build these kinds of things more into my life the more it will more just naturally happen rather than me having to put the effort into it.   Or, maybe not.  At least it is worth the try.  Otherwise I will be angry with myself for not doing these things.

So, that's that.  Wish me well on my baby steps.

Full Weekend

I am looking forward to a pretty full weekend ahead of me:

Baseball game tonight (Will Juni be able to handle being up past her bedtime???)
Book signing with Erica at the BookHouse
Visit with Michelle and her man (Yea!)
Family Day at The Clark in Williamstown, MA

Also, I really have to put in some good work in the garden.  The weeds are taking over in a bad way. 

And, I need to reach out to a young woman from church to begin an informal mentoring relationship with her.

Oh, AND, I have to do some volunteering work for camp too!  Wow.  A full one is ahead of me.