Our Whole Lives

The denomination that I belong to, Unitarian Universalism has a curriculum called Our Whole Lives (OWL) which has been used throughout many congregations for a number of years. OWL's purpose is to help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their sexual health and behavior. It's grounded in a holistic view of sexuality, providing not only the facts about anatomy and human development, but of interpersonal skills, and an understanding of the spiritual, emotional, and social aspects of sexuality.

My congregation does the program with 7th and 8th graders every other year. I've been asked to come to the class tomorrow to serve on a panel of folks representing different sexualities.

I get to sit on a panel as.... the hetero. Pretty much they're looking to have the panelists talk about what it was like to be a 7th - 8th grader with our own particular sexuality, and what that meant for us. The main purpose of the panel is to normalize variety in sexualities so that youth, especially those who may be gay, will see that they aren't too much of a weird-O.

So, I've got some thinking to do. What in the world am I going to say? What would be helpful?

I rarely think back to 7th and 8th grade, nor to I think of it in context of my sexuality at the time. But, let's cull that memory of mine and see what I can come up with from those days in relationship to this topic:

- Being excited to be seated next to a boy I liked in Science class AND Home economics
- Agreeing to be the girlfriend of this boy's best friend in hopes that I would be able to spend even more time with the boy that I really liked: which was fruitless. So, I dumped him right away.
- Going to lots of dances at school in hopes of getting to dance with the boy I liked
- Oddly liking the institutional soap smell coming from his hands in Science class, as he always went to the bathroom before class started
- getting cornered by another boy who was apparently REALLY into me who I didn't tell to step off, and I wish I had now.
- Spending a lot of time reading and re-reading Our Bodies Ourselves after being introduced to it at Unirondack once summer
- taking out a non-fiction book called One in Ten about gay teenagers from the library... and spending a good amount of time pondering if I was gay...especially because my dad is gay... seems odd now that I wondered about this, especially since I was so hot for that one boy, but I did.
- Going to parties that my dad and his partner had that were for gay folks (both in and out ) in our very small community and having a grand time hanging out with the girls

The only time I recall talking with either of my parents about my sexuality was when my dad found out that I had taken out the One in Ten book out from the library. He made sure to let me know that it would be even more than ok with him if I were gay. Part of me wonders if my dad would be more proud or pleased if myself or my sister turned out gay, because then we would have more in common with one another. I get the sense that could be the case. Oh, well.

I suppose my parents just figured out that I was hetero when I would bring home my boyfriends. There was no need to really talk about it, because it was what it was. I was straight, so there wasn't much to talk about, right? Or something like that.

Well, if the purpose is to normalize people's experiences, I suppose just telling my experience will do. I do want to put some emphasis, though, on how it was hard for me even as a young adult to put the breaks on things when I was feeling uncomfortable. There have been times in my life when strangers or people I was not interested in would exert themselves on me, and I would play nice rather than say, "Get the hell away from me!" I would be nice and find a subtle escape route rather than put it out there super-concretely that I was not interested. I wish I had developed that skill earlier in life.

One time this happened, I had gone to see a friend I had met a Unirondack. (I was probably a Junior or Senior in HS) I drove the 4 hours or so to visit him - as a friend in my mind. Anyway, we were at his home and he started to kiss me. I wasn't sure that was what I wanted, but I figured... well let's see how it feels... and after a little bit he wanted to do more than kiss. I certainly did not want to do that because I wasn't even sure I wanted to kiss. But, instead of saying clearly "No!"... because I wanted him to like me, he was a friend from camp and I didn't want to hurt his feelings... I tried to more get out of it by suggesting we do something else. It took him a while to get it; that I wanted to do something else. It's unfortunate that I valued his feelings over my own. Because I didn't just put down a clear boundary of what I would and wouldn't do, I ended up loosing him as a friend because I didn't trust him anymore after that experience. I also lost more confidence in myself.

Another time I needed to stand up for myself was when I was taking a Greyhound bus back home from probably Albany. The bus was full, so I had to sit next to someone. That someone, even though we was lots older than me and didn't know me from a hill of beans, thought that it would be appropriate to try to hold my hand when I was sleeping. I just inched my hand away and pretended that it didn't happen. He kept trying.... and I kept pretending... when it was time to get off the bus he asked me for my number and I just pretended to be all-ok with the bus ride... but didn't give him my number. WTF. What was I thinking?

Maybe these detailed stories are too much for 7th and 8th graders. I think that I'll not go into the details unless it seems like they're up for it and ask more detailed questions. I don't want to freak them out and think that they'll have to deal with this kind of b.s.

Anyway, so that's my story, I suppose of my adolescent sexuality.